


It was you

by yssanne



Series: It was you [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Ficlet, M/M, Unrequited (as in never confessed)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 03:13:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2606339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yssanne/pseuds/yssanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moment Dean realized Sam was 'it' for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It was you

Just to be clear, I always loved you. Always felt you as a part of me you were, always sure you were mine.

But when did I realize it was you? A peaceful afternoon in a peaceful little town where we stayed a bit longer than usual. It was late fall, warmth already accompanied with a bite of frost in the early mornings. An afternoon we rarely had. Dad was sleeping off the latest hunt and I got home from work a bit earlier so I sat on the porch and waited for you to return from school.

You walked down the street and as sunshine fell on you that was it. I saw myself, I saw life going in circles and the end and beginning of it too in your hair. Brown. Earth. Rebirth and laying down, finally finished. It was the first time I ever thought of something like that, until then my mind was occupied with weapons and training and old cars.

I remember a book I read you once, some mythology stuff, and you mentioned you liked the idea of us growing like plants. Never really thought about that later, you were the one who was interested in poetic value of a starry night while I was the one watching out for what was in the shadows, but when I saw you walking it all came back to me. I could’ve sworn I saw all the seasons in you, spring in your young, growing body, winter spilling out of your mouth (you were always older than both dad and me in some things), fields bathed in summer reflecting in your eyes and fall in your hair.

It was you.

You came to me, said hello and I could only smile back. Later I made up all sorts of excuses for not paying enough attention while running laps and for not really understanding what you were saying, but I never lied to myself. There wasn’t any reason to as I could never deny the truth and yet you could never know it too. So I lived with it, with happiness every smile brought to me and not much more.

I lived until I couldn’t anymore.

I honestly started believing that day that if you give in to the soil, it would give back to you. I started believing in rebirth even though never was anywhere any mention of it really happening (I guess I didn’t want to handle the opposite). It let me down. Dad was gone, true, but he didn’t lay down and surrender himself to earth, he went on to a land where ground is nothing but dirt and screams and suffering so of course he didn’t come back.

But you? You lay in that mud, gave into that fertile hug and closed your eyes while rain was watering your roots. So I held you, held you and rocked you and called you back. And hours passed and you didn’t return. I wondered later if our name was what salted the ground that not even you couldn’t find your way back because that would be just the kind of irony our lives seemed to throw at us.

So I bargained. If your gods wouldn’t come to us, I knew who would. I gave my seasons for yours and even though I got only four of them to spend with you I had to take it. One more circle, one year to see the seasons changing in you again and to stock up on your smiles. What else was left for me without you? Something is always better than nothing, especially when it came to you.

It was you all along, and I already lived a life on that porch, seeing you walk down the street.


End file.
